With One Foot Raised

There's a phrase that if I remember correctly came from St. Ignatius, which says that we must live our lives with one foot raised. If I understood it correctly, this means that we must be able to leave what we're doing now at a drop of a hat if that is what we are called to do.

I think though that what we need to emphasize today particularly for the youth isn't the ability to live with one foot raised but the ability to live with one foot firmly planted on the ground.

The youth today face so many possible choices and I've noticed that they are afraid to commit (to a course, to a job, to a career, to relationships, etc.) It seems that they are living with both feet raised and the only way to live that way is to keep jumping. Just thinking of constantly jumping is tiring.

I've advised many a former student that we are never truly free until we commit. Maybe initially, a commitment for a particular time period. One year, three years. Then eventually a lifetime commitment. When we commit, we free ourselves to explore the subject of our commitment with greater depth.

To Mommy on Her 75th Birthday

Mommy’s Gifts of

Music, Love, and Faith 

Unang-una, sa ngalan na aking mga kapatid at ng aming mga pamilya, gusto kong magpasalamat sa inyo sa inyong pagdalo sa pagdiriwang natin ng kaarawan ni Mommy.

Gusto ko rin magpasalamat sa pagmamahal at pakikipagkaibigan ninyo kay Mommy.

May mga ilan sa inyo, katulad ni Mother Trina, na mas madalas makasama ni Mommy kaysa sa amin. Paminsan-minsan nag-tetext ako kay Mommy para mangamusta at nagugulat ako sa mga reply niya. Hi Land, nasa Pagudpod ako kasama si Mother Trina. Hi Land nasa Cebu ako o di kaya’y Davao, kasama si Mother Trina. (At hindi ko akalain na sumasakay si Mommy ng bangka at mayroon siyang boyfriend sa bawat seminaryo)

May mga ilan sa inyo na kilala na si Mommy bago pa kami ipanganak, tulad ni Tito Vic na kilala si Mommy mula ng kanyang panganganak at ni Tito Buddy at Tito Cho na kilala ni Mommy mula ng kanilang panganganak.

May mga ilan sa inyo na nag-alaga kay Mommy noong siya ay batang-bata pa tulad ni Ma’am Dela Cruz. At marami sa inyo ang inaalagaan ni Mommy at dahil para na rin kayong anak ni Mommy, para ko na rin kayong mga kapatid.

Muli, maraming salamat sa inyong pagmamahal at pakikipagkaibigan sa Mommy namin, sa Mommy nating lahat. 

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At siyempre, sa ngalan ng aking mga kapatid at ng aming mga pamilya, at sa ngalan ninyong lahat, gusto kong magpasalamat kay Mommy.

Nung hinahanda ko ito, tinanong ko sa sarili ko, what am I most thankful to mommy for? Sa tingin ko may tatlong bagay: the gift of music, the gift of love and the gift of faith.

First, the gift of music. All of us in the family love music and I think we got that from Mommy. Some of us, lalo na si Kuya Lenny, aka the singing doctor at si Kuya Jun, are doubly blessed. They inherited Mommy’s love for music and Mommy’s beautiful voice. Kami ni Ate Nette, we love music, period. Pero dahil pinahawak na rin naman sa akin ng aking mga kapatid yung mike, baka kumanta na rin ako maya-maya habang may pagkakataon.

Mommy loves to sing. Siya lang ang lector na kumakanta at may karapatang kumanta. May mga ibang lector na nagtatangkang kumanta pero wala namang karapatang kumanta. Si Mommy lang ang nag pre-preaching na kumakanta at nagpapaluha ng mga nakikinig. I also remember in Bangkok, we would have guests of my father at our house for dinner and my mother would sing Pilita Corrales songs: Dahil Sa ‘Yo, Kapantay ay Langit.

In fact, a few years ago, Mommy recorded a CD (if you want a copy, just let me know) and when my daughter Sinta was newly born, she refused to sleep unless we played the CD of her lola singing.

Mommy would also tell us that while she was going through labor with each one of us, she would sing religious songs to help her endure the pain (especially since she has a hyper-allergy to all medicines). Maybe that is why we all ended up loving music. 

When I am sad, I often remember Mommy and her favorite song,

Smile, though your heart is aching,

Smile even though it’s breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by

If you smile through your tears and sorrow

Smile then maybe tomorrow

You’ll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear may be ever so near

That’s the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what’s the use of crying

You’ll find that life is still worthwile

If you just smile

So even if Mommy is not there beside me during those sad or trying moments, it is as if she is.

Thanks Ma, from all of us for the gift of song.

The second gift of Mommy to us is the gift of love. But for us, Mommy’s gift of love is not a generic kind of motherly love but a love that is highlighted by sacrifices. It was only recently that I realized how much Mommy sacrificed for us and especially for Daddy. Mommy had a very successful career here in the Philippines in the public school system. Her students loved her and some of them would even frequent our house and call her their Mommy. Ang dami kong kapatid. There is a Jesuit, Fr. Noel Vasquez, who was Mommy’s student and without fail, the first thing he does when he sees me is to ask about Mommy.

But when Daddy was taking his PhD at Stanford and needed help and needed her, Mommy gave it all up and rushed to his side, performing odd jobs to help make ends meet and help to type and re-type his dissertation.

This must not have been easy for her. Leaving behind her children, Kuya Lenny, Ate Nette, Ate Lu, and Kuya Jun who back then were still young (there’s a picture of them when they will still young. Wala pa ako noon. Inalagaan sila ni lolo at ng aming mga tito) She also left behind her career.

She did come back and restart her career but even in her everyday life, there was sacrifice. We were all breast fed and mommy would come home from work every lunchtime to make sure we were fed. (Siguro kaya hindi kami tabain)

But the restart was short-lived and in 1979, Mommy, Kuya Jun and I were off to Bangkok and again, the sacrifice: leaving behind Kuya Lenny, Ate Nette and Ate Lu and leaving behind her career and never being able to restart a career.

I guess that was a painful moment in her life and in the lives of my brothers and sisters. Honestly, I was too young and too happy to understand. It was the story of a family working its way out of the farms of San Miguel, Bulacan and the public schools of Quezon City to eventually make it to the United Nations and for us children to make it to U.P. and Ateneo.

For her gift of a sacrificing love, we are thankful to Mommy.

The third gift of Mommy to us is the gift of faith. When Mommy was growing up, she wanted to become a nun. (That’s a recent picture of my mom dressed up as a nun) That was before she met my dad. And I think she finally agreed to marry my dad because he told her that her greatest gift to him was the gift of faith.

Her gift of faith to Daddy is also her gift of faith to us. Whenever we are faced with what Mommy tells us are trials, there are two words that Mommy always tells us and I’m sure my sister and my brothers know these two words very well, “Have Faith”.

And these are not just words of admonition but also words she lives out. Eighteen years ago years ago, Mommy was diagnosed with late-stage colon cancer and what made her condition worse was that she has a hyper-allergy to all sorts of medicines. But look at her now, can any of you believe that she is 75? I was telling my wife recently that I can’t believe Mommy is 75. She doesn’t look 75. She still looks young, she is still going strong, she is still going out to the provinces preaching. And the only thing that sustained her, the only thing that accounts for her longevity are prayers, her faith.

My daughter, Sinta, was born with a condition that makes her more sickly than most children. In fact, she almost didn’t make it to the party tonight because she has been sickly since January with recurring coughs and fever. Every time she gets moderately sick, I text Mommy and ask for her prayers because I know na malakas si Mommy sa Diyos. And always, she would text me back, “Have Faith”.

In my case, I think Mommy’s greatest gift is the gift of faith. When I thought about this, I asked myself, is the greatest gift then the gift of faith and not the gift of love unlike what St. Paul teaches us in Corinthians? I think there is no contradiction. The gift of faith is the gift of love, it is the gift of a love for a God who loved us first, who is the giver of our loving. And because we know that he loves us, because we have faith in his love, we have faith in him. It is an understanding that like Jesus, our principal relationship is our relationship with God. So I say it again, Mommy’s greatest gift to me is the gift of faith.

I have learned that Mommy has learned to love a song by the Jesuits entitled “Huwag Kang Mangamba” and I think it nicely ties together these two gifts of faith and love.

Sa tubig kita sasagipin.
Sa apoy ililigtas man din.
Ako ang panginoon mo at diyos.
Tagapagligtas mo at tagatubos.

Huwag kang mangamba.
Di ka nagiisa.
Sasamahan kita.
Saan man magpunta.
Ika'y mahalaga.
Sa aking mga mata.
Minamahal kita.
Minamahal kita.

If in my youth, I most associated Mommy with the song Smile, I think now, I will associate Mommy more with this song, Huwag Kang Mangamba, especially because it ties up everything in a neat package, Mommy’s gift to us of music, love and faith.

We know it is your birthday, Mommy, but we are the ones who want to thank you for these your gifts to us and several other gifts that you have given us throughout your 75 years. 

To Mommy on Sainthood

Dear Ma,


We were telling Sinta that we (finally) found a priest for her Family Day Mass and she asked, "Can he make me a saint?" Hahaha.

Your granddaughter wants to be a saint, Lola. She says quite openly that she wants to become one and she once asked us how someone becomes a saint. Apo mo talaga ito.

I remembered the story because I found on my work desk a card she made for the saints. It says Happy Saints Day to all you saints and has a picture of a smiling angel. She even has a rap and a song for saints. I don't know if it's an adaptation or if it's original.

I should tell her that you're a saint and explain to her what a saint is in the general sense of the word. So I guess the coming festivities will be your day too. She'll probably make you a card :-)


Leland

Immersion

The Ateneo de Manila University's Development Studies (DS) juniors are off doing their immersion. And this event is an experiment in at least two ways.  First, we've moved their Theology 141 to third year from fourth year. Second, we've converted Theology 141 for these juniors into a (real) Praxis immersion.

I've always believed that Theology 141 is better placed in 3rd year. First, because fourth year is a little late for the immersion experience to seep in. Seniors are already preoccupied with theses, seniors' syndrome, and career decisions. If we have Theology 141 in junior year, they'll have a year to chew on the experience (and maybe one or two will be inspired enough to do the thesis for the community).

Second, a lot of major subjects are in third year and fourth year is usually reserved for theses. This means that the opportunities to maximize immersion by inserting a service-learning component are in third year, not fourth year. In this case, we've tied up Theology 141 with Project Management. We'll be asking the DS majors to come up with a project proposal as part of their project management class for the NGO that oversees the communities they've visited.

I'd like to thank the Theology Department for allowing us to embark on this experiment. As with all experiments, we will learn from it and make decisions about it at the end of the semester.

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For this particular immersion, we've partnered with Got Heart Foundation, an NGO founded and run by a DS graduate, Mel Yeung (DS '07). They're actively promoting natural farming methods in Tarlac. The juniors have been assigned to two of Got Heart's communities: a farming community and an Aeta community.

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It's been quite an experience seeing tweets about the immersion the night before and during the immersion. This wouldn't have been possible years ago. Of course this is only true for those with the farmers' community. Those in the Aeta community are probably not connected. (Or they're not my friends on Twitter)

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I saw a tweet from someone who said that they have electricity, water, and wifi in the farmers' community. I'm not completely surprised because that site is the headquarters of sorts for Got Heart. While it would have been ideal for them to live with families, the NGO requested that they live in the staff house.

I think what makes this immersion a little different is the presence of the NGO that is actively trying to help the community. I'm told by Benjie Tolosa that in the early days of immersion when it wasn't required, students were exposed to the empowered poor. But given the mass mobilization of students for immersion, it became harder and harder to find empowered poor.

I think there's some value in exposing students to attempts to support marginalized communities. That way, those communities are not seen as being helpless and dependent and the question isn't just how can we help them (and asking that question in a vacuum, as it were) but how can we support existing efforts to help them/ efforts to help them help themselves.

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Thanks to Got Heart, Mel Yeung and Christian Yap for taking in the DS juniors! I hope we are able to come up with good proposals for your group.

Framing Generosity

I've always been slightly uncomfortable with parts of St. Ignatius' Prayer for Generosity. I'm particularly uncomfortable with the parts that sound "sacrificial." To give and not to count the cost is unsustainable. To fight and not to heed the wounds is suicidal. To toil and not to seek for rest leads to burn-out. To labor and ask not for reward is unsustainable.

It helps that I realized one day that the punchline of the song isn't those sacrificial parts but the very last line: "Save that of knowing that I do your most Holy Will." Elsewhere, I wrote that if we frame it like this, then all those sacrificial parts only make sense if it is according to His Most Holy Will. Sometimes, as in most development interventions, we must count the costs. More often than not, when we toil, we must seek for rest.

Last night, I realized that the sacrificial parts only make sense if we are clear what we are sacrificing for. And so it might make more sense if the prayer is rendered as follows:

Dearest Lord,
Teach me to be generous,
Teach me to serve you as I should.
To give to you and not to count the costs
To fight for you and not to heed the wounds
To toil for you and not to seek for rest
To labor for you and ask not for reward
Save that of knowing that I do your most Holy Will.

Knowing that I do your most holy will is indeed a very important grace.

Awards and Indifference

In a previous post, I wrote that awards and greatness are things that are socially bestowed. They are reflections of the award-giving body more than they are reflections of the awardee.

Should awards be pursued? Or is this the equivalent of greed or vanity?

The short and difficult suggestion to answering this question is to discern whether or not the call is for an award to be pursued. This is a difficult answer because discernment is not an easy process.

The long but easy suggestion to answering this question is to think of awards or greatness in terms of ends that one wants to pursue. If awards and greatness facilitate the accomplishment of noble ends, then by all means, be open to (and even actively pursue) those awards. Just as awards are instruments of institutions to reproduce themselves, awards must also be seen as instruments to attain various noble ends.

There are two things to keep in mind that can help keep a person honest. First, win or lose, do not take the award personally. Again, an award reflects the award giving body more than the awardee.

Second, awards and greatness can be a burden as much as they are a blessing. Awardees have to deal with raised expectations and in some instances, lose their privacy. There are situations where I feel the losers are much more blessed than the awardees.

The Conferment of Laurel Wreaths in Philippine Society

I’ve known what it feels like to be given recognition (and to almost be withheld recognition) and I’ve known the bitter taste and heartbreak of recognition being given to someone else other than myself (and by implication, being told that I am not or am less deserving of recognition). I have been asked and continue to be asked to judge who deserves to be given recognition and by implication, to designate others as being less worthy of recognition.

What I have learned from these experiences (and my wife’s experiences) of being given and giving recognition and being withheld and withholding recognition is that awards and recognitions are never to be taken personally. They reflect more about the judges than they do about the person recognized or the person to whom recognition is withheld. Awards are a statement of identity and values on the part of judges (or, rhetorically, the values of the institution they represent). They are a manner by which judges or “institutions” define themselves.

Some seekers of recognition know this very well and so they project what they think the judges want to see (which in the Philippine context almost always involves a tricky combination of appearing not to hunger for the recognition but confidently appearing to deserve the recognition).

I think greatness needs to be understood in the same way as awards and recognition. Greatness is an identity that is socially bestowed (allow me to acknowledge Peter Berger, An Invitation to Sociology, 1963 for the whole idea of socially bestowed identities). This much is clear when commentators started calling the late Pope John Paul II, John Paul the Great. I personally think John Paul I was great in his own right but then again, this only proves the point that greatness is socially bestowed. Society has not deemed it proper to call Albino Luciani great.

Greatness is not only a function of individual characteristics. One can be extremely mediocre or even magnificently incompetent by certain standards and still be considered great. One can be extremely competent by certain standards and not be considered great. That Manny Pacquiao is considered great is partly a function of his individual talent but it is also because someone with great talent in boxing can be considered great. Somebody who is equally or even more talented in something society considers more obscure like logrolling may never be considered great.

Each society (defined in terms of cultural politics) will have its own standards of greatness at particular points in time. These standards are not written down, even in popular forms (partly because to appear to seek to be great is a sure way of not being recognized in Philippine society) but those who are sufficiently socialized in the “right” circles know what these standards are. Most people have given up defining their lives in terms of greatness, content, perhaps, with merely seeking 15 minutes of fame because they know that they will never meet the standard for greatness.

Since greatness is socially bestowed, society frowns upon those who act as if they are great and insist upon their greatness without being affirmed as such by society. Filipinos use the word “feeling” to describe this conceit.

The task of a reflexive sociology, and the job of a reflexive society is to understand these standards of greatness, to clarify for society what its own standards for greatness are and to demonstrate how these standards result in particular ways of ordering societies and creating hierarchies, visibilities and invisibilities and all of those other things post-structuralists are concerned about. This will help individuals and collectivities locate themselves in terms of society’s standards and respond creatively to these standards which we live by.

(An old essay. Posting it again for a student)